Who Needs a Massage?

Trigger warning:  The following text is really funny.  Oh, also adult material is being discussed.

I was away at “feminist camp”, a seven week Global Change Leaders program.  During our session on peace building, the facilitator asked us how we maintain our own inner peace?  How do we deal with stress?  You cannot bring peace to others until it is within yourself.  Many gave answers such as singing, yoga and art.  At my turn I did not hesitate when I said “masturbation”.  I did not say it for a laugh, but a shocked look came across many participants face and one of my African colleagues said “are you suggesting using masturbation as a peace building technique?”  Yes, I guess I was, but let’s come back to that in a bit.

Later that week, the women and I shared some wine whilst we had our last evening together.  Instead of being sad, we had one heck of a party!  A girl party; a “talk about everything” type of party. The topic of sex came up and the women had many questions, mostly to me at first. Why me?  Not because of experience, I can assure you all women here have sex (except the nun of course), but because as a comedian I am very open about sex and sexuality.  As a Canadian woman I never really thought twice about being so open (though my husband wishes sometimes I would!). I didn’t realize it wasn’t like this in other countries, so I got to be a sex guru for a night!  Me, a woman who has been with same man for twenty years, was a guru!

They asked if I use a toy and I said “duh”. They asked to see it.  Okay I should add not everyone asked to see it, but quite a few did.  I mentioned I had some wine, so I said “sure” and giggled lots. I went to get it and at first they were very confused. Apparently they were expecting something hard core or disgusting looking.  Nope, I brought out my Hitachi Magic Wand.  They were a bit disappointed at how not risque this wand is, thus I wanted to talk about it on this page!

First though, back to the overall topic of masturbating as a peace building technique. As a woman who has suffered mental health issues, and heck, as a woman who lives, I find masturbating has three main purposes:

  1. Diversion
  2. Self-Care
  3. Practice

Diversion:  When overly stressed and I have obsessive thoughts, and a coping mechanism is to divert the thoughts. There are many useful strategies, but the obsession is strong in me and I cannot let go at times. I have a bath and I still stress. I sing a song, and yep, still stress.  I masturbate and, well, the thoughts go away, maybe not forever but for sure in the moment.  Masturbation is the most mindful activity one can engage in. The great thing about the magic wand is very little output of work on your part and 100% pleasure that takes all thoughts away.  All!  It gives you a eye rolling, brain numbing mindful moment!

Self-Care:  Women do not take enough time out of their day to treat themselves well!  Yes I would like a spa day, but time and money do not always allow. The great thing about masturbation is that it is free.  The toys sure, they cost and what a great investment! The magic wand is the gift to yourself that keeps giving and giving and giving! Take time to do something nice for yourself, and what better way to relax than a quick and easy climax!

Practice: Giving yourself pleasure gives your body practice so it’s ready when a man or woman comes to pleasure you later.  Let’s face it, sex with another person is great, but sometimes they don’t always get it 100% right and it can take a long time. Practicing on yourself, especially with the magic wand can help you orgasm quicker and more often while with a partner. So consider time masturbating as training for a marathon!

So the wand itself is great because it has amazing power, is non threatening to look at (it really works on the shoulders too) and will give you the most amazing orgasms ever.  I have used the wand for many years. It has helped me out of some jams. If stressed  I can use it to overcome anxiety. If bored I can use it to pass time. If drunk I can use it as a microphone while singing Shania Twain songs!

So does this 41 year old comedian recommend the magic wand?  Yep.  I am also aware many people do not wish to go into a sex store. I understand, whether it is time or shyness, it is not an option for everyone. Want to still enjoy all the benefits of the wand and the only one who will ever know is me?  Then I can get you one AND deliver it for free.  Wicked Wanda’s has allowed me to do this on commission, which is great!  So if you live in Ottawa and want to be a peace builder, then give me a quick email me and I can personally deliver it!

Keep happy and healthy.

Also floss.

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